Into the Ocean

"Now floating up and down I spin colliding into sound
 like whales beneath me diving down
 I’m sinking to the bottom of my
 everything that freaks me out
 the lighthouse gleam has just run out
 I'm cold as cold as cold... can be.. be

I wanna swim away but don’t know how
sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean"
-Blue October, "Into the Ocean"

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.  Work has been quite hectic.  In addition to preparing lessons for my students and keeping up with all the grading, photocopying, etc. I have also been trying to clean out my files, desk drawers and bookshelves so that I can actually be out of here on June 10 when I should be.  I have also been instructed by my department chair that I have to put everything I use (worksheets, tests, quizzes, class notes, etc.) into binders for each level of French for the person who will be my replacement next school year.  I already had the French II binder done as I did it last school year since I am not teaching that particular class this year, but I still had to do the French I and III binders.  Ironically the French teacher who will be replacing me is coming up from the middle school and has more than twice as much teaching experience as I do but I still have to do all this prep work for her...oh, and let's not forget that we also have to photocopy all tests, quizzes, assignments, etc. that she will need for the first month of school as well.  Nobody did that for me when I started teaching 10+ years ago. 
I also started working at the golf shop again on April 10.  So far it has been mostly weekends but tonight I have to go in from after school to 7 P.M.  Makes for a really long day when you've been up since 3:15 A.M. (damn wind).  It's also hard because then I don't get to spend much time with McKenna and Justin since I like to try and get to bed between 9 and 9:30 on school nights.  I really enjoy my job at the golf shop and the extra money is really nice (and is now a necessity) but sometimes I wish I could just teach and that would be it. 
Justin got a RIF letter a week ago, so for those of you not up on your education lingo, RIF is reduction in force.  Basically he will not have a teaching position next year in his current school district because of financial trouble in the school district.  That puts even more pressure on me, as I could potentially be our main (or possibly only) source of income after August.  Scary.  I am barely keeping my head above water with the bills we have now so if we are down to one income things will get really ugly then.  As far as I know he hasn't filled out any online applications yet for other school districts.  I wish that he would stop procrastinating and get on the computer and fill out the apps!  It's not that hard to do and then at least he'll be getting his name out there.  I really think that he believes the situation will work out in his favor (this same exact thing happened last year, and he did end up being called back because enough people retired and he was high enough on the RIF list so he got his job back).  Not so sure that the same will happen this year or not. 
Also, I need to start going to training sessions for my new position as a school counselor next year so that is just another thing to add to this stress.  Oh, and don't forget that I have an online class that begins May 10 and runs through August as well...
You wonder why I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.  This would be it. 

ABC Me

ABC Me

I saw this on another blog that I read, so I thought it might be fun to fill it out.

B. Bed size: Queen. Sometimes I wish that we had a king size bed. 

C. Chore you detest: Hmm...it's a toss-up between dusting and vacuuming.  I hate dusting because it's futile, things just get dusty again.  I just hate vacuuming in general.

D. Dog person or cat person: Definitely dog person.  Big dogs only.  Little yappers need not apply.

E. Essential start to your day: Showering.  I cannot shower before I go to bed.  I feel "dirty" if I don't shower in the morning.  It wakes me up in addition to helping me feel so fresh and so clean, clean!

F. Favorite color: I like orange.  It's bright and cheerful.

G. Gold or silver: White gold.

H. Height: 5' 3"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Clarinet and tenor saxophone.  I played the clarinet in 5th grade band and moved up to the tenor sax in 6th grade.  I played that all through my senior year of high school.

J. Job title: Currently high school French teacher.  I will be an elementary school counselor at a K-4 building in the same school district this coming fall though (yay)!

K. Kids: McKenna.  Love that baby girl.  She is my heart.  Just thinking of her gummy little smile makes me smile.

L. Live: Northeast Ohio.

M. Mom’s name: Barb.

N. Nicknames: Jen, Jenny, Madame (from kids at school).

O. Overnight hospital stays:  Only when I had McKenna-I was in the hospital for two nights.  I was a bit stir crazy and really wanted to go home by the second day I was there.

P. Pet peeves: People who lie.  People who cheat.  People who drive really slowly in the fast lane.  People who don't use their turn signals (hmm...I think I wrote an entire post at some point on all of my driving pet peeves).

Q. Quote from a movie: "When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail."  Chuck "Koonu"--Forgetting Sarah Marshall 

R. Righty or lefty: Proud righty.  My husband is a lefty so I tease him all the time.

S. Siblings: Just one sister, Tina.  She is younger than I am.

T. Time you wake: On work days:  4:50 A.M.  Believe me, I know that it is an ungodly hour to get up.  On the weekends-usually when McKenna gets up, 7:30 or 8:00.

U. Underwear: Any comfy hipster/bikini cotton ones.  I really like these now after having been pregnant.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Tomatoes (although technically those are a fruit, aren't they)?  I also don't like cucumbers as they have no flavor to them.

W. What makes you run late: Taking too long in the shower.  Also sometimes having to go to the bathroom right as I'm ready to walk out the door to head to work.

X. X-rays you’ve had: When I was in 5th or 6th grade I sprained one of my fingers and we thought it might be broken.  Teeth x-rays at the dentist.  The only other one I can think of is when I had an HSG in December of 2009.

Y. Yummy food you make: Chocolate decadence.  Stir-fried asparagus.  Homemade Caesar salad dressing.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: The giraffes of course!  Also the lemurs. ;)

If the A shows up at the end I'm not sure why.  When I look at the preview that's how it's showing up but not how it shows up when I'm typing it.  Oh well, I'm over it.

A.  Age:  33.  Turning 30 didn't bother me at all since 29 was such a shitty year.  Now that I'm heading toward 35 it is starting to bother me a bit.

What Makes Me Question Everything

I have been reading several blogs recently, and some of them deal with infant/child loss.  Some of the babies in these blogs were stillborn and others died at various points after birth.  Some of these same people have also experienced a miscarriage or miscarriages.  As I read these blogs, I can literally feel the pain seeping through some of the words that people have typed.  Sometimes as I read these blogs it just makes me want to cry. 
After my Dad died of liver cancer in December 2007 at the age of 48, there were several people who told me, "He's in a better place."  Or, "He's no longer in pain.  God had bigger plans for him."  I have always questioned faith and religion, having grown up in a family where I felt that Catholicism was pushed on me.  I remember moving from Peninsula to Northfield when I was about 8 years old and my parents went to become members of the local Catholic church.  When they went there they were told that since they had been married at a local city hall that they had to be "re-married" in the church.  Even though I was only the tender age that I was I realized even then that it was a crock of shit.  My parents always justified raising me Catholic by saying, "Well, maybe someday you'll want to get married in the Catholic church."  Ha.  I told them even when my age wasn't yet in the double digits that that particular occurrence would never happen.  For my first marriage, I was married in a church, but it was nondenominational and my then husband's family had close ties with the church.  For my second marriage, we were married by a fifth-grade teacher who also has a license to marry people and we got married outside in someone's garden/yard (love ya J.B.)!  So, no Catholic weddings for me.  And no, we do not plan on baptizing our daughter or raising her with religion in her life.  When she gets old enough and can make her own decision about religion and faith, she can explore those options if she would like.
I digress from my original intent here, though.  After going through a painful divorce and the death of my very young father, I questioned faith and religion even more.  I believe that I live my life as a good person.  I help people out (jeez, I am a teacher and counselor after all), I fund raise for The American Cancer Society/Relay for Life, donate clothing, food, etc. to those in need.  Of course these things are not all-encompassing and don't paint a total picture of me.  Those are just some of the things I do that I would say make me a decent/good person.  Now, when I read these blogs where babies aspirate, go brain-dead and die a couple of days shy of their 2 month "birthday", or when a baby is fine until 37 or 38 weeks and then when the mother goes in to deliver the baby he or she has no heartbeat, that just sickens me and makes me fearful.  What kind of greater good/power/deity/god would allow these things to happen to innocent babies and children?  I absolutely hate when people use the justifications that I listed above, such as, "Oh, they are in a better place," "God couldn't wait to have a new angel," etc.  A lot of the time horrible things happen to good people that have lived their lives correctly and honestly.  Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that there is a valid reason that my Dad died at age 48, and before he was diagnosed with the primary liver cancer that would eventually spread and end his life, was perfectly healthy?  Is there a valid reason that baby Adam (who was born exactly a week before McKenna) got sick, aspirated one night, went brain dead, and died two days later?  I challenge you to convince me that there is some higher power out there and that there are valid, meaningful reasons why things like this happen in life.  I guarantee that you can't come up with something.  Don't preach to me about god and faith and religion, because I don't believe.  I think my Dad said it best:  "In life you're dealt a hand of cards, and you have to play the hand you've got the best way you can."  If there was a god/higher power, etc. would all these terrible things happen to good people?  I know you believers will always try to find some way to back it up, e.g. "God is testing us" but I don't buy it. 
The older I get, the more I seem to question everything.  I wish I knew why bad things happen to good people.  I wish that I could stop worrying that something will happen to Justin or McKenna.  Call me negative and a non-believer, but you can never say that I'm not honest.
Until next time, I remain,
Jenuinely Yours