I have been reading several blogs recently, and some of them deal with infant/child loss. Some of the babies in these blogs were stillborn and others died at various points after birth. Some of these same people have also experienced a miscarriage or miscarriages. As I read these blogs, I can literally feel the pain seeping through some of the words that people have typed. Sometimes as I read these blogs it just makes me want to cry.
After my Dad died of liver cancer in December 2007 at the age of 48, there were several people who told me, "He's in a better place." Or, "He's no longer in pain. God had bigger plans for him." I have always questioned faith and religion, having grown up in a family where I felt that Catholicism was pushed on me. I remember moving from Peninsula to Northfield when I was about 8 years old and my parents went to become members of the local Catholic church. When they went there they were told that since they had been married at a local city hall that they had to be "re-married" in the church. Even though I was only the tender age that I was I realized even then that it was a crock of shit. My parents always justified raising me Catholic by saying, "Well, maybe someday you'll want to get married in the Catholic church." Ha. I told them even when my age wasn't yet in the double digits that that particular occurrence would never happen. For my first marriage, I was married in a church, but it was nondenominational and my then husband's family had close ties with the church. For my second marriage, we were married by a fifth-grade teacher who also has a license to marry people and we got married outside in someone's garden/yard (love ya J.B.)! So, no Catholic weddings for me. And no, we do not plan on baptizing our daughter or raising her with religion in her life. When she gets old enough and can make her own decision about religion and faith, she can explore those options if she would like.
I digress from my original intent here, though. After going through a painful divorce and the death of my very young father, I questioned faith and religion even more. I believe that I live my life as a good person. I help people out (jeez, I am a teacher and counselor after all), I fund raise for The American Cancer Society/Relay for Life, donate clothing, food, etc. to those in need. Of course these things are not all-encompassing and don't paint a total picture of me. Those are just some of the things I do that I would say make me a decent/good person. Now, when I read these blogs where babies aspirate, go brain-dead and die a couple of days shy of their 2 month "birthday", or when a baby is fine until 37 or 38 weeks and then when the mother goes in to deliver the baby he or she has no heartbeat, that just sickens me and makes me fearful. What kind of greater good/power/deity/god would allow these things to happen to innocent babies and children? I absolutely hate when people use the justifications that I listed above, such as, "Oh, they are in a better place," "God couldn't wait to have a new angel," etc. A lot of the time horrible things happen to good people that have lived their lives correctly and honestly. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that there is a valid reason that my Dad died at age 48, and before he was diagnosed with the primary liver cancer that would eventually spread and end his life, was perfectly healthy? Is there a valid reason that baby Adam (who was born exactly a week before McKenna) got sick, aspirated one night, went brain dead, and died two days later? I challenge you to convince me that there is some higher power out there and that there are valid, meaningful reasons why things like this happen in life. I guarantee that you can't come up with something. Don't preach to me about god and faith and religion, because I don't believe. I think my Dad said it best: "In life you're dealt a hand of cards, and you have to play the hand you've got the best way you can." If there was a god/higher power, etc. would all these terrible things happen to good people? I know you believers will always try to find some way to back it up, e.g. "God is testing us" but I don't buy it.
The older I get, the more I seem to question everything. I wish I knew why bad things happen to good people. I wish that I could stop worrying that something will happen to Justin or McKenna. Call me negative and a non-believer, but you can never say that I'm not honest.
Until next time, I remain,
Jenuinely Yours
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