Anticipation

This past Sunday night I found myself unable to fall asleep.  After a couple of weeks of sleeping 5 to 6 hours per night, McKenna suddenly decided to start waking up every 3-4 hours instead.  She had also been really good about going to bed-when we put her down in her crib awake and put on her Luv U Zoo sound and light show (like crack for her, I swear, she is addicted to that thing) she would always fall asleep.  Not so much on Sunday.  We tried to put her down a little after 11 PM and she fussed, so we went and got her out of her crib and tried to rock her to sleep.  Not so much.  Justin put her down again and she fussed again, this time shortly after midnight.  I had been lying in bed awake, thoughts racing, coming to grips with the fact that I am currently on my last week of maternity leave.  I was worrying about the state of my classroom, after having visited last Monday, January 10.  Of course my long-term substitute had moved things around (and I don't have an issue with that, she had every right to), but I was concerned about the tables, desks, files, etc. getting back to where they needed to get back to.  I was also thinking about the lack of sleep that I am going to have when I go back and how I am going to have to deal with 100 or so teenagers every day for 8 hours.  In addition to getting my classroom back in order (for me), planning and getting things ready for lessons at school, the potential lack of sleep and being an unhappy camper about that fact, I also stressed over the fact that I will need to find time during the school day to pump since I am breastfeeding McKenna.  Kind of difficult to put into your plans when you teach the first three 48-minute periods of the day, then you have 50 minutes or so of planning but there is a study hall in your room (no privacy to pump then), teach again for 25 minutes, have a 25 minute lunch, teach another 25 minutes, and then (finally) have a 48 minute planning period where I can hopefully catch my breath and find about 15 minutes to pump.  I finish out my day teaching another 48 minute class.  I do plan to find someplace to pump during the time the study hall is in my room as well, and probably after school too.  So with all of this on my mind it really wasn't a big deal when McKenna started fussing at 12:15 AM and I got up to take care of her.  I figured that she was probably hungry so I took her out into the living room, strapped on the My Brest Friend and settled her down to nurse.  Looking at her peaceful little face, I took a deep breath and gave myself a strong mental check to stop stressing so much about going back to work.  I want to enjoy my remaining time as a "stay at home Mom" with McKenna and don't want to waste the time worrying.  Everything will work itself out in regards to work.  I may not be quite as organized (I bordered on OCD before McKenna was born), I may not be able to grade quizzes, tests, essays, and the like as quickly as before (my students have always raved about what a quick grader I am, and I have always prided myself on being able to give them feedback in a very timely manner), and I may not always have the sleep that I would like or need and might not feel like being the nicest person ever, but I'll get through it.  I do believe that.  Every time I see McKenna smile at me I am reminded that she is the main reason I do have to go back to work (being a SAHM was never an option; we are a two-income plus two additional part time job family and we probably always will be), but in order to provide for her I will do what I can and must.  Providing for her is the most important thing and anticipating tomorrow and worrying about it and having that take my attention away from her is not worth it.  Glad that I was able to take a step back and realize this.  I will greatly enjoy and cherish our last 5 days together until I go back to work. 
That about wraps it up for now.  Until next time, I remain,
Jenuinely Yours